Diary of a 30-something

Dear Diary,

Today all records are broken. The number of lies I told V, the number of cigarettes, the amount of crappiness I felt. Each reached a new high today. 

Today, as usual, I left for the office earlier than I was expected to be there. This has suddenly become my routine. When did it stop being exciting and full of strong emotions and become mundane. Is this numbness just a phase I'm going through?

These questions are not new. They have always plagued me but I always hid it. But whats the point? Nobody knows about P ! How do I explain to them? I'm a part of the perfect couple. I'm the perfect wife, the perfect mother. Everyone thinks V is the perfect husband. And yes, he is. I don't know what more could he have done. But somehow I could never have broken off my ties with P.

P and I were together in a love-less relationship for 4 years. What others might have called 'Fuck-buddies'. We knew it was more. We truly cared about each other. Sometime, with passing time, care left us and what was left was the sex. Even that lost the passion for me.

Guilt had left me. Love had left me. Passion had left me. I wonder if I could ever be normal again. I wonder why had I ever gotten myself into this? I wonder if I could get any further from what I had thought my perfect life would be. I wonder if I can ever put an end to this?

14 comments:

  Rohan

3 March 2009 at 01:55

I would say over love and sex..love rules,emotional connection first and then the physical intimacy. If the latter overtakes the former, distaster in a relationship is not far :)

FB..new concept..I belong to the 18the century :P

Loved the reality in it..just loved it..!!

PS: Tora tora

  Tan

3 March 2009 at 04:29

Thats a good thought ... and as you have put in your own words: Experience + Observation + Interest!!

Well written, as I said!

Thanks for letting me read before posting it ... X and Y were better options, unless you meant something with V and P!! Liked it all the same ...

  Maverick

3 March 2009 at 06:55

Nice one! I somehow know or I guess dat or feel that I know! Dat it is a work of fiction is true, but ders more to it.....!

  R.V

3 March 2009 at 10:13

@ Rohan,

Love and lust are both emotions. Strong emotions. Both in absence of the other mean nothing practically.. But then again I belong to the 21st century :P

  R.V

3 March 2009 at 10:14

@ Tan,

Thanks a lot. No I didnt mean anything specifically by using P and V just that it gives more character without personifying them!

  R.V

3 March 2009 at 10:17

@ Mav,

There is always something more to every post! Subtle emotions can crave outlet and maybe change forms when they are written! To understand a writer's emotion at the time of writing is impossible...

  carolyn

3 March 2009 at 10:58

hmmmmm well written rash ,you don't always get yourself into stuf like this it jst happens ,you jst fall out of love sometimes u never knw why,the person who meant the world to you at some point today is jst another who of those numerous people you met along the way and shared great memories (not always!!) with it jst happens .....and sometimes in a relation you jst tend to grow and mature and dont quiet relate or identify with the other person as you once did ,you may still love the person you maynot but one thg u knw for sure is that its jst not going anywer its only getting more claustrophobhic its killing you, you make the choice to jst let go its the best thg u cld do ,and years later you jst wonder what if...??but then u dun always get a second chance best is to move on...accept it .

  Pretty Me!!

3 March 2009 at 12:28

u know i already felt the post was perfect replica of someone's emotions .. but what i liked was this line :

To understand a writer's emotion at the time of writing is impossible...

  spicymist

3 March 2009 at 15:27

hehehe. nice one. i like the format. and kapaal term ' fuck-buddies' lol. do u intend to continue with the diary series? if u do you know you can create a separate offshoot to the blog too. especially for the 30 diary series :P hey its just an idea

  .a.

3 March 2009 at 21:03

when i was reading the book called 'new diary' which had a lot of diary tips and practices one was writing about yourself 10 years before and 10 years later, I did that 10 year back part, its easy to look back in past than ahead in future. (oh yes i belong more to the loser types)

anyway since it is fiction, what can I say? someday try writing abt urself, you in next lets say 10 years?

  Ani

5 March 2009 at 16:49

first time on ur blog..

hnnm its so true.. sometimes thts what is missing in one's life.. n we end up takin things for granted.. n we think were did we loose all that we had.. the love.. the care.. when one time we just couldnt stop our selves from thinkin about the person.. to where we just have to avoid the person all together..

  the pink orchid

5 March 2009 at 18:29

i have seen this in reality in so many households.. and you brought it out beautifully..

  Tan

6 March 2009 at 03:26

Well, I read it once more now ... maybe I can relate to it more now ... somehow!!

I wrote dairy myself a lot of years of my life and then, I stopped!! I have got my wife now to tell everything I would have told my Diary...

Thank God!!

  Anonymous

3 February 2011 at 11:30

Excuse, that I can not participate now in discussion - it is very occupied. But I will be released - I will necessarily write that I think on this question.