Random sad phases

He was right I realised as the cool air of the AC touched my skin giving me goosebumps. I shuddered at what I am not too sure - the coolness of the air or the realisation. You are a volcano waiting to explode, his voice echoed in my head as tears welled in my eyes. Thoughts stored in there since eternity with no outlet. Somewhere deep in my heart. Locked up and key dropped into the deep ocean. Somedays, it gets too much and I keep my hand over it to prevent an outburst. Most times I am successful and nothing comes out. But what it leaves behind is a burnt hand due to the hot lava.

Today, I burnt my hand. My tongue bruised from all the times I bite it to catch myself from saying something I want to but dont want to. I'm breathless though I haven't moved an inch since morning. I feel exhausted. Tired. Of pretending. Of wearing a mask. A mask that tells the world, "I'm ok", "I'm normal.", "It doesn't hurt."

I'm not ok. I'm anything but normal. And it hurts. It is a wound which refused to heal. Maybe because I keep picking at it. This is going to scar. You know that too. You agreed when you said of all the "phases" in my life, you were the one that made the maximum impact. Yes, you are right. 

Today, with burnt hands, bruised tongue and a damaged soul, I give up my pride and say, " Yes, you were right about everything. Yes, I do love you, Yes, it hurts.


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I want to cry and then be done with it. But then my tears too question me, for whom? Why? And refuse to come out. the feeling within just remains and erodes me, gnaws from within. It refuses to budge or reduce in intensity. Magnify if that were possible.

I wish I could cry. Somehow I feel that is the solution to my problems. Solution to the deep sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. Solution to me feeling so pathetic all the time, so low that I cant even be happy for you rather here I'm pitying my fate.

What happened to that person in the mirror? That I was so proud of my reflection? Vanity was my vice. Now vanity is what I wish for.

And maybe a little bit of pride..

6 comments:

  The Pink Orchid

7 May 2009 at 00:26

Rashi, I am liking it the way you are writing it..but praying for all this pain to become unreal.. :(

  mysterious gal

7 May 2009 at 00:41

awww baby.....u had gnawed my stomach when u made me read it first time and today i again get goosebumps...i have no answers....as i myself know what it feels...my tears too don't come out....but trust me its we who have to decipher that phase and become little more vain ...because the lack of pride and that nature is what pulls us into dust sometimes.....i m sure the volcano will burst and help u find answers...just the right time is needed :)

  Arv

7 May 2009 at 11:16

sad... yes true...

but there are 2 bright sides to it...

1. Its random &
2. its only a phase :)

so cheer up gal :)

  PULKIT

7 May 2009 at 13:53

sadness brings out the best from pen of most of the people! and that has been reinstated by ur work... though the faster u move out of this the better it is!
As someone who dont know u much and respect u a lot! I wish u a life full of happiness! may u never face such phases!

regards
PULKIT
(http://19goes20.blogspot.com)

  .a.

7 May 2009 at 22:41

i am crying already, damn it! you know why.

*runs out*

  Anonymous

8 May 2009 at 16:35

What i really like about this is, in this you doesn't sounds frustrated at all.

Means now you know very well that where & how to deal with sorrow / dark side of moon.

GR8

with Respect