Rocky Road

Comforting Nightmares…

2009-07-24T10:32:00.001+05:30

Last night I had a dream. It was very scary in the beginning but then, it became comforting. I saw that there were blasts once again in the trains. The trains in which I was travelling. I was scared and petrified and there was blood all around. I was hurt too. I think I was down on the ground. My stomach was churning seeing all the blood around. That was the scary part. Suddenly, I heard my phone ring and your name flash on the screen. Now, this was the comforting part.
Will this have to happen for you to call me? I wonder.... I still have a chance in hell that one day, you'll call. Your pessimistic me turns optimistic. I hope!

PS: Even for selfish reasons, I don't wish that something that disastrous happens.. I hope never ever does any1 go through losing some1..

Whatever

2009-07-23T18:23:00.003+05:30

Ok. Dont expect me to be nice or to make sense. I had one of the worse days of my life. I'm late for my very first class. I hate making a bad 1st impression. I'm still at kurla at 6.10 when class starts at 6.15 at churchgate. Its impossible to reach there even though i'm in a fast train. Which i had to run to get. And in the process i bust my knee. Its throbbing. I'm scared to look at it. Its hurts that bad.

Sigh dadar approaching.

What do i tell my prof why am i late? Stupid auto driver somehow knew i was late hence decided he'll way outside the station and not near the ticket counter. Asshole.

What do i do? I'm sitting in the train venting out frustration on my mobile. Typing my woes away.

This is not all that is on my mind. I'm thinking what do you do if you are the best among a lot for a job but still not good enough? Do you take up the responsibility? Also if you are promoted from among yr peers. Do yr peers have the same respect for you like they do for yr boss? What changes?

Another totally unrelated thought is that arent friends supposed to make each other feel better? Is it a job? Does friendship come with a job description?

If you actually read this, you are crazy. But i love you.

Shit i'm late. Very very late. Will update with what happened in class. 6.20and at byculla = rashi majorly screwed..

Edit: Now it is 9.07 and I'm back. It was just the orientation..Phew! SO nothing major happened. Btw, I super excited about my class. Tmrw, it is PR then it is Media planning, then Advertising Planning, Copy Writing, blah blah... I was sooooo excited on seeing the timetable. I met some1 I knew from Xaviers. I was expecting to know no1, so it came as a surprise. But then, we realised we were in 2 different classes.So that is that :( But anyway, it feels like an adventure. More updates coming back. Hopefully, I should not be late tomorrow.

Lucky

2009-07-10T18:35:00.003+05:30

I wish I could prove

that I truly am lucky.

Lucky just to know you

and more so to be yours.

I'm lucky that you held me

close to your heart.

I'm lucky that your care

even an ounce belongs to me.

I'm lucky that you think of me,

even more that you love me.

I'm lucky that I had my fingers

entangled in yours, more than once.

I'm lucky that it was me, you

didn't wanna let go.

I'm lucky that it hurts you

to let me go.

Why o why, is my luck, then

fading away?

Posted for Weekend Wordsmith

Broken Glass

2009-07-01T17:32:00.000+05:30

I feel I just cant write anymore. So I'm posting something I wrote a really long time ago! :)

My heart may be broken,

Shattered and in pieces.

Your concern to join them

Until the pain ceases

Has me in tears full of joy

For once again, I found

Someone I can trust, love

who wont let threads unwound.

The threads of friendship

Are stronger than of love.

A kiss on the lip

or holding hands

Mean nothing if

my heart continues to chip.

You give me reason

to celebrate life

with every of its season.

Thank you, friend

For finding those petals dry

Thank you, friend

For giving me the shoulder to cry.

Than you , friend

For catching every tear,

For making it better.

For banishing every fear.

Broken glass may not be beautiful again,

But when I have a friend like you

Nothing feels like pain.

My broken heart may not be the same,

You have a special place in there,

It has been better since you came.

It will love, it will mend

Because I have you as my friend.

Inspired by what Shweta wrote here

I want...yes, I want!

2009-06-17T02:02:00.001+05:30

Tired of saying that I'm selfless,

No,

I want it all.

I want the stars in your eyes,

I want that smile to be for me.

I want the day to go by,

The seasons to fly,

I want years to roll,

With your hand in mine.

I want your eyes on mine,

I want your lips on mine,

I want to be lost,

Lost in you.

I want you to make me forget

All care, apprehensions.

And remember just you,

Just us.

I want you to make me

Believe in fairy tales once again.

I want you to shut me up

Each time I regress in my ways.

I want to be the reason you

Think life is beautiful.

I want to be the crazy girl

You'll talk to our kids about.

I want to not be selfless anymore.

I want you to make me selfishly

be in love with you.

Ps: Yes, I'm a "rich" girl who knows just how to say I want!

Rebel and the muse

2009-06-11T11:34:00.001+05:30

"Stars, I want,

The moon, I want.

Rebel, I am,

The unthinkable, I want."

"For you, stars, I want,

For you, the moon I want.

By you, I shall stand

But the unthinkable, I am not.

Rebel you are, simple I am.

Challenge to you, I pose not.

Hence it is me that you want not. "

Make a difference

2009-06-08T01:05:00.003+05:30

MAD they told me, I was

Attempting the impossible, the unachievable,

Kind were those who didn't laugh

Even crazier who joined me in my quest.

Attainable seemed the goal, with company

Destiny became changeable and malleable

I became we, the doers

First came obstacles, then success

Frustrations and smiles too.

Emerging like a phoenix were a million dreams

Resurrecting hope and wishes

Eliminating despair and pain.

Never is a dream crazy, always MAD

Cease to dream is to cease living

Every dream is possible in the eyes of a believer.

This is an acrostic about one of my favourite things, Make A Difference. I love being a part of something so amazing. Click on MAD above to know more about it! :)

Though it doesnt even begin to completely describe what MAD is all about, it is what MAD means to me! Dreams of doing something, dreams of changing the world, dreams of becoming a better person!

Her perfect day!

2009-06-04T13:33:00.003+05:30

It was 1.40 am and she smiled as she herself into her cosy blanket. When she slept last night, she couldn't have imagined how perfect her today was.

When she slept last it was with a heavy heart and her silent phone kept aside. He wouldnt call today. He was going away on a business trip and wouldnt be disturbing her for quite some time. Disturbing her? Sigh! She woke up with a jolt in the morning. Maybe a dream but she didnt remember it. She check her phone for the time. 6 miss calls and 2 messages? Work maybe. Nonetheless she checked. It was him.

The 1st message read, " Woah! The airhotesses are hot."

The 2nd said," I'm getting bored here and you arent even picking up my calls. :("

She jumped off her bed and called him. Damn the damn signal. Couldnt hear him properly. A series of msges followed. All day long. Something or other happened and he would either call or msg. He didnt do that when he was in town but who's complaining, eh?

Soon, it was time for a very important meeting. Her first presentation at her new work place. She had never done anything like that. But somehow she was relaxed. She was still the nervous wreck that she always was but calm and smiling. She did amazingly well in what she has sought out to do. She came out all smiles and gave him a call.

"I did it," She screamt into the phone. He just laughed and said, " Congratulations, darling."

"Ok. Lemme call office and tell them we got it. Bye see you. Take care."

She came back home. Happy and relaxed. She heated the dinner and sat to check her email. And saw him online. If this were a cartoon, her eyes would have popped out at the computer screen. They chatted for quite some time. In a while, he said she had put him in a better mood than when they started talking.

She sat back reflecting the day, when her brother came running into the room screaming that it rained. The first monsoon showers. Today couldnt get any more perfect she thought. Touch wood.

As she took the blanket over her head, she didn't wanna sleep fearing this might not be there when she wakes up!

Oh please dont wake me!

The dream is oh so pretty.

I know I'll have to wake

Someday, sometime.

But not today,

Let me sleep a lil while longer

Oh please dont wake me.

The dream is oh so pretty.

Just you and me

And not a care in the world,

Love all around

No distances,

None between us.

All dreams true

Some more to go.

Oh please don't wake me

The dream is oh so pretty!

Gnite world. Have a happy day! Yes, for the first time in my life, I have actually blogged twice in 24 hrs :)

Oh this is also a post with most number of tags... I think I'm high now! Hope I never come down! :D

Smile Please

2009-06-03T22:57:00.003+05:30

Is there one smile in the world that means the world to you? I would to do anything to see a smile on the faces of certain people in my life. They are few, they are true.

Today, I think I managed to bring a smile to the face of one such important person. Just a message that said you helped me sleep peacefully today made feel, well I cant even describe what I feel! Top of the world seems like an understatement too.

Keep that smile on, darling. Forever and ever :)

I have been singing Pal pal teri yaad sataye o Piya, all thanks to Prats all evening now! Now that too brings a smile! Sigh! (the happy one)

Rashi the ranter!

2009-06-02T22:10:00.000+05:30

Sometimes I wonder, if when you love someone can it truly be a complete waste. Is there anyone in this world who doesn't deserve your love? Can we love people who cheat us, who beat us, who even abuse us? If we can't stop loving them, what do we do?

What happens when love instead of making you a better person, makes you a worse person? Starts causing pain?

I agree that love isn't ideal always. There is definitely a break-point, isn't there? My naive self and my "experienced" self are in a constant feud. Sometimes, this one winning and sometimes the other one.

Love, definitely isn't what I thought when I was 16. I know, probably, I will read this when I'm 25 or 30 and laugh at this stupid idea in my head. Or maybe I will be fighting the same battle. That actually sparks off another thought in my head. One of self-discovery.

One problem most teens can identify is that of "finding themselves". Who am I? What is my personality? But do these questions really end with teenage? I doubt. I have given trying to figure out who I'm. All I know is that I'm complex and sometimes, unpredictable.

Phew! Now, that I have ranted it all out, I feel better :D

Not all promises are meant to be broken

2009-06-02T02:22:00.002+05:30

It was 5.30 pm. The doctor's anesthesia was just beginning to work and I was starting to lose control over my thoughts. The past came back to me. I remembered telling him that when I would be in the hospital, I would want no flowers or no Get-well-soon cards. I would want books, loads of them, so that I wouldnt get bored. If he could slip my laptop in with a net connection, that would be the most wonderful thing.

I remembered him telling me first to shut up and then promising me that he would be there with me throughout. He would be there if and when I was in the hospital. He promised he would read the newspaper out to me and would bring me home cooked food because hospital food can suck.

As I closed my eyes, I thought to myself promises are meant to be broken.

It was 4pm, when I opened my eyes. My room was filled with white lilies , my favourite. The trance was over. The hurt was over too. I looked to see an empty room. I sighed. I saw the door of the room open. I saw my present come in with the doctor. I saw the concerned look on his face. He looked tired. I saw his face light up when he saw me. I could sense that he wanted to hug me. But then, he let the doctor examine me. I saw that his face never felt mine.

When the doctor was done telling me what a scare I had given all, I looked around and saw that he wasnt around. I tried to sit up but couldn't. I felt dread. I looked at the slight noise that came from the door. I saw him struggling with a large heap of books. I couldn't help but laugh.

He kept the myriad of books down and I couldn't help but laugh when I saw that sheepish grin on his face.

I felt awake and thought to myself ...

Not all promises are meant to be broken!!!

Reborn- 100th post

2009-05-28T14:09:00.011+05:30

Today, I post my 100th post on my blog. While I do post it, it hasn't been written by me. I seldom complete stories and most of these stories are my real life with loads of Mirch-Masala.

I fought with really close friend of mine, I told him that I would never speak to him again. Obviously within 2 mins, I regretted it and hence this story was born.

This story is a continuation to that.

I hate sharing space but I had no qualms sharing it with, I guess one of my best(est) friends, Nik. Though I could get hurt for saying this, "Thanks a lot, Sloth Bear" :P

The yellowness of the lamp light imbibed in him as he struggled with his pen. It was not different today. As usual, it was 6.30pm and he was at his desk, logging down the completed jobs. And some anticipated objectives to be fulfilled tomorrow at the drill site. The intangible yet tart aroma of the whisky travelling inside every nerve and artery of his well built body, with every sip, acted as a pretty strong infuser; infusing him with his own soul. This never used to happen during his extremely engaged daily schedule. But it happened every evening. Amongst the fluttering pages of his logbook, the peg of the familiar whisky and the surrounding darkness, the shuttering window panes, it was a daily practice to carry out this "Infusion". The "Infusion" was the means of gathering himself every evening, gathering his own deteriorated self, collecting his pieces and building a new “him” for the next battle, the next dawn.

“Saheb, the dinner is ready.”

A very familiar rippled voice broke the numbness in him which lasted for 3 unnoticeable hours.

“Hanji kaka, abhi aaya, just two minutes.”

Rising from his wooden chair, he walked towards the door of his study, in his typical upfront manner, and shut it behind him. Entering the hallway, flanked with bright luminescence, he could see his life. He could see the status he had. He could see the respect tagged with his persona. He could see what being the GM Drilling Services at 31 meant. He could also see the way he is on, but still lost; where he has reached, but not a destination. Stepping in the dining hall, making himself comfortable on the chair and with the food, he wished again. Like daily. That it would have been so much of a blessing, if she could see all this. If she could just be here. If she could find the real him.Find someone who got lost 10 years ago.

He fed himself as miniscule food as everytime, and went back to his study. With the same inexpressiveness on him, his memory started serving him, perfectly.

He had developed this inexpressiveness on his face in the last 10 years. Since they both grew apart. Since things changed and seemed never to return back to normal again. None of the two loved less. It was just the circumstances that played the evil. Staying unmarried and living alone was a majorly questionable affair, with his family evidently against the idea. Still in love with his family, which resided in a metro city, he conformed to a life of an unreal "him". With everything in place in his life, still there was not a thing that he could find. Love struck him long ago and he knew it was the true one. And when he lost it, 10 years ago, he knew the bruise would also last for a lifetime. And it turned out to be true. Amongst his “perfect” life, he didn’t have her. And that was nothing less than emptiness for him. An emptiness, that filled him daily to the core.

Every day started with a wish. That maybe they could have been together. Maybe he could have been someone he wanted to be. That maybe he could get rid of the identity crisis he faced every hour at work. That maybe he could just be with her. Wishes grew infinite every day. With every passing moment, he got reminded of something or the other they shared. The name of a state they had been together in, the name of a person they knew in common, the beguiling aroma of the perfume she wore...anything and everything that came across him made him reminiscence them. He wished for her voice to greet his ears every dawn. But integrally he knew, this is like wishing for the Gods to send an invite of heaven to him . That he used to hope against hope. And this very thought dragged him back to the unidentified life he was living every day.

Days passed. It had been almost a year since he was made the GM. Keeping himself busy in his work all throughout the day, attending the meetings, completing projects...nothing was different in his life compared to the usual life of a bigshot. But it was that day, that very special day, which had an unusual start. He woke up to find 3 missed calls. Ignoring them for the time being, he got up to get dressed. The phone again beeped with a message. Putting his tie around his neck he picked up the phone to check the message and started walking towards his Accord.

It said: “Bajaj here. 5pm at Mochas. And if u think even for a sec who “bajaj” is, ul get ur ass kicked. Everyone is arriving. Be there.”

Whoaa.!! What a start to the day!! It was quite a long time he did not meet his school friends. He really wanted to. But immediately he realised, “What about infusion? It will surely take more than 3 hours with them....and then....” He started driving. Left his apartment and forgot about the evening plan.

The day passed. As usual. And he arrived home early. Around 4.

The day had been special at work too...something was going on today. He managed to grab three contracts and the software also ran a successful first try!

“Something isn’t right today, or maybe things are too right!” He thought to himself while parking the car in the alley.

“Kaka, jaldi se ek cup chai bana do, mujhe kahin kaam se jaana hai.” And the swiftness with which he entered the house, with the same he got dressed and left.

Reaching mochas he met them all. They forced him to put his cellphone on busy. Again reminiscence. During his exams he used to put his phone on busy too. When she used to call, she used to get a busy tone which made her aware that he was studying. Jarring into the reality, he did as they said and went on to discuss old school days and have fun.

Time flew by like it never did. Things seemed to be pretty different today. And it was residing in his subconscious which he was interestingly avoiding. He knew something had to happen. He changed clothes, and checked his phone casually. Putting it on speaker on the bed, he moved towards his closet to arrange his clothes. In the typical jiffy he was known for.

“You have 3 voice mail messages. Press 1 to listen.”

He did.

1. “Akhil here. Where the hell is the file? Get it tomorrow or the extraction will need further confirmation from court you idiot!”

2. " Hi. It is me. I just wanted you to know that I missed you. No-one could ever replace you in my life. You are special. I missed you."

It felt like all the blood in his body has rushed to his head. He knew the voice. He so recognised it. All the emptiness was getting filled. He felt his stomach churning like a tornado. The air around suddenly went silent. His ears could not believe what he had just heard. It was her voice. The voice of his destination. He glared at the lit screen of the phone on the bed. Collecting every bit of consciousness, courage, strength, sanity left in him, combining all of them, he stood up nd took the phone in his hand and the speaker bellowed:

“Press 0 to listen again”

He did. And the feeling of having his life back was amazing. It felt as if everything in the world had stopped. Every emotion seemed unfamiliar. Every heartbeat felt new. He could finally see his identity shaping up. According to him the definition of “Unbelievable” had changed. This word was too insufficient to describe what had just happened. A sudden realisation of finding the meaning to his life struck him. Drowned in the unexpected happening of her return, he wished to die in the happiness that enlivened his soul.

He heard that voice after 10 years. 10 Years, in which he knew nothing about her. Where she had been, how she had been, what she had been doing. He fell on his back on the bed and heard the message infinite times. He wasn’t getting enough of it. How could he have. He could feel LOVE crawling under his own skin.

He knew something different was going to happen today. It was right there in his heart and mind since the moment he woke up in the morning. But of this magnitude, it was highly unpredictable.

His wait and patience won. Getting over, though with extreme vigour, of the shock, he dialled back the no.

It rang, and someone picked up.

And there was her voice,

“Hi. I knew you would call. I just want to say that I STILL LOVE YOU.”

He found himself. He reached his destination.

He was REBORN.....

Rear-view mirror

2009-05-08T19:59:00.002+05:30

Today, as I got out of the building, I realised I needed to go to the ATM. I went to the ATM near my house but it refused to "dispense" any money. If I didn't have a broken hand, I would have punched it, but I had no choice but to go to the doctor's clinic and see if there was an ATM there.

Thankfully, the clinic is near the market area, so there were bound to be atleast an ATM. But no. All ATMs there were either out of order or ones which I couldn't use. I walked on. For a good 25 mins in the blazing sun. I finally found one in some corner on the road.

I walked back to the doctor’s clinic and got my reports. When I came out and walked back a little to the rick stand, I realised that there was an ATM 2 steps from the clinic.

Being in a philosophical mood, I began thinking. Maybe the thing we actually searching for is left back in the past. We just walk past it and then reach where we are supposed to and continue to search for what is missing. We go on and on. Looking forward. Ahead all the time. Struggling to read a little further for we expect that something to be around the next corner.

Just take a look behind. Maybe that’s why cars have a small rear-view mirror too.

Rehab!

2009-05-07T22:58:00.000+05:30

These were the days when my first book had just come out. A reporter called to take my interview. He and I were so happy. While I hugged him, he whispered and said, " I wonder how many you will mention me. Just try not to make every answer about me." I looked at his face to see a smirk that I had fallen in love with.

The day the interview was published, he woke up earlier to read it and immediately called me to say," You didnt even mention me once." The same pain in his voice like a small kid who had been refused candy. That evening, I sat with him and showed him how each answer had him somewhere. He just didn't know how to connect the dots. I told him that now, he was embedded it in my very cell. I would need to check into a rehab to get rid of him..

10 years later, I had everything. 5 best sellers and interviews after each launch. I had everything but him. I had suppressed all feelings I had about him and moved on.

Then, one day, I met him at a parking lot. I smiled to hide surprise, the pain and most of all the love. He smiled too. Came up to me and said, " I have been following your work, closely. I must say I'm proud to have known you. I'm running late, but do please call me." He turned around before I could say a word.

I ran home to see if there was even a glimpse of him in my work. I poured of my work of 10 yrs to see if I could see him anywhere. I resigned into my bed some hours later, given up.

He was everywhere. Maybe I really did need rehab.

Random sad phases

2009-05-06T23:24:00.002+05:30

He was right I realised as the cool air of the AC touched my skin giving me goosebumps. I shuddered at what I am not too sure - the coolness of the air or the realisation. You are a volcano waiting to explode, his voice echoed in my head as tears welled in my eyes. Thoughts stored in there since eternity with no outlet. Somewhere deep in my heart. Locked up and key dropped into the deep ocean. Somedays, it gets too much and I keep my hand over it to prevent an outburst. Most times I am successful and nothing comes out. But what it leaves behind is a burnt hand due to the hot lava.

Today, I burnt my hand. My tongue bruised from all the times I bite it to catch myself from saying something I want to but dont want to. I'm breathless though I haven't moved an inch since morning. I feel exhausted. Tired. Of pretending. Of wearing a mask. A mask that tells the world, "I'm ok", "I'm normal.", "It doesn't hurt."

I'm not ok. I'm anything but normal. And it hurts. It is a wound which refused to heal. Maybe because I keep picking at it. This is going to scar. You know that too. You agreed when you said of all the "phases" in my life, you were the one that made the maximum impact. Yes, you are right.

Today, with burnt hands, bruised tongue and a damaged soul, I give up my pride and say, " Yes, you were right about everything. Yes, I do love you, Yes, it hurts.

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I want to cry and then be done with it. But then my tears too question me, for whom? Why? And refuse to come out. the feeling within just remains and erodes me, gnaws from within. It refuses to budge or reduce in intensity. Magnify if that were possible.

I wish I could cry. Somehow I feel that is the solution to my problems. Solution to the deep sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. Solution to me feeling so pathetic all the time, so low that I cant even be happy for you rather here I'm pitying my fate.

What happened to that person in the mirror? That I was so proud of my reflection? Vanity was my vice. Now vanity is what I wish for.

And maybe a little bit of pride..

Happy Birthday

2009-05-04T00:00:00.002+05:30

This post is dedicated to my lullaby

There is this one voice that I sleep to each day. Tonight, while the owner of the voice (OotV) is busy studying, I fail to fall asleep, tonight.

OotV is one of the craziest things to have happened in my life. The one that makes me selfless and mature. Yeah, we were discussing it that day and I realised I really becoming mature. Maybe it is because of the presence of OotV in my life. Maybe, just maybe. It is no secret that OotV has an inflated ego. And such statements just make it worse. But OotV knows what they mean to me.

Now, when I met OotV, I thought they were really pesky. Always wanted to talk about things that I wanted to run away from but once out of frustration (of the situation, not because of OotV), I told them everything. Blurted my heart out. Since that day to this day, they have been nothing but a patient ear. Well more than just that. A pair of strong shoulders to hug me, a sound mind to make me think logically, a kind heart to support me, a firm hand to hold mine.

Well, sometimes we do reverse our roles and I have to knock some sense into OotV. But, than that’s what friends are for. Being crazy, supporting each other, wishing you could be there on their 21st bday.

Oh yeah today OotV turns 21. Join me in wishing OotV a very happy 21st bday. I, somehow, haven’t done justice to them or the relationship we share in this post. But as always, I'm sure OotV will understand what I intent to say and am not saying. They seem to do that a lot with me. (If that is a good or a bad thing, I'm not sure)

Such is our bond that since I had written this on Friday, I had to make some1 proof read it and all those who did thought I was talking about my inner voice. Maybe they are. Sometimes the way they give words to my feelings, the way they say thinks without me saying them is only something someone so close can do. Maybe they truly are my inner voice.

Happy Birthday, Sloth Bear, Happy 21st.

Slideshow

2009-05-02T23:36:00.001+05:30

I lay on my bed. Frustrated and flustered. Happiness had left me. All it left was void. An empty place. I tried to fill it with numerous things but all was momentary. I tossed

Immediately, my thoughts turned to him. Him that I had let go. I heard news of him doing well. Getting a lot of praise. Everyone saying he was perfect. Suddenly, I remember what it felt to have him touch me. Just holding hands felt wrong. Eerie. Like it didnt belong. No, I dont regret it. I turn.

My thoughts fly to him. Him that I wish could let go. My stomach churns at the very thought of not loving him anymore. It seems like I have done so forever. My head wheels as I contrast the feelings I have for both. Couldn't be more different. I smile sinisterly. I feel cheap. Like a broken rag doll.

Acute stress, the doctor tells me. I need to relax. The aches and pains are result of my brain. It is all in mind. My mind which isnt mine anymore. Thoughts go on in random fashion. Like a presentation gone haywire. One slide after another with no proper sequence. Memories, dreams, reality, fears all flash one after the other.

Somehow, of all that has eluded me. Pain never has.

Ps: It is fiction. A few posts inspired this :)

She wished- 55 fiction

2009-04-30T01:59:00.004+05:30

She wished for once she could stick to her decision. She wished for once she could listen to what her head said. She wished for once she did what she wanted, what was good for her. She wished for once, he wouldn't come in, flash that smile at her and make her wishes melt away.

The letter

2009-04-28T20:39:00.005+05:30

She walked on the beach she liked to believe was her own. Beautiful clean sand and deep clear water. She walked on the horizon where the waters silently kissed the sands. She walked thinking of days to come and the days gone by. Of all the people she had met, those who had made a difference in her life. Mostly she thought of him. It was 10 years since she had heard his voice. The voice without which she could sleep, once upon a time. She wondered where he was now. Whether all the dreams they had shared had come true for him. Of all the worries they had spent nights thinking about and how the worst among them had come true. They truly had grown apart.

Suddenly, she felt something cold hit her foot. It was a bottle. There was something in it. A message in a bottle? She smiled. It was letter dated 12th April, 1916. The World War-I. Her curiosity grew. She sat down on the warm sand and opened it slowly. Afraid she would tear it. She read. It seemed like a leaf of a diary.

12th April, 1916

Dear Diary,

It has been a year since he left me. It seems like just yesterday he was hugging me. Holding me close and now it is all gone. The pain too is now dull. Never will it be gone completely but now my brain is clearer. I realise that he isnt coming back.

I wish I could speak to him just once more. Talk to him. Listen to his voice. Tell him what he meant to me. My beacon. My soul. I wish I could tell him how special he was to me. All I wanted was him to be happy wherever he was. I wish I could hold him once more. I wish I could feel his strong arms around me, telling me everything would be alright. I wish I could see his deep intoxicating eyes once again. I wish I could feel that warmth within me which only he could make me feel.

Most of all, I wish he knew I was all his like I was no-one else's. I wish he knew I loved him and still do and probably always will.

I wish he knew.

She stared at the letter long, for quite some time. Then she knew what she had to do. She put it back into the bottle and tossed it back into the ocean. And ran back home. She ran like there was no tomorrow. The sun was setting but in her heart, realisation had just dawned. She picked up her phone with shivering hands. And dialled his number. Hoping and praying it hadnt changed. The call connected. She took a deep breath and said, " Hi. It is me. I just wanted you to know that I missed you. No-one could ever replace you in my life. You are special. I missed you."

She then awaited his reply with baited breath..

I fear!

2009-04-24T12:57:00.003+05:30

What will happen if two of your worst fears come colliding with each other and confront you? You want to escape and run away. Run away into the oblivion where nobody can ever find you. But that which you fear within it is a person you love. Can't leave them. Can't escape. Something rather that someone holds you back.

Escaping is something that comes naturally to you. Well, at least in situations that have been disastrous before. I have been here before. People have changed but the situation is the same. I fought. I lost. Now I'm not that strong to go on.

I look at the person in front hoping he realises that what he has become and how it is hurting me. But how will he? He doesn't realise the situation I'm in. The horrors of the past come haunting back. I hate the person you seem now. I'm scared. Very very scared.

Please be the person I love.

Dreams

2009-04-20T15:33:00.004+05:30

The woods are deep and dark. Gliding and hovering around, I want to clear this patch as soon as possible. Hurried and scurried,I move. Suddenly, my eyes fall upon you. With that serene smile, you almost make me stop in my tracks making me feel calm. With a horror, I realise that you are walking towards danger. I can see it vividly. I can see that it can destroy you. And with that crush my soul. I scream to get your attention. I scream as loud as I can and then a little louder. My lungs hurt but you can't hear me. I want you to stop. But that smile of yours makes me believe it may not be so dangerous after all. Yet, I fear for you. I fear that you may be hurt, destroyed. But maybe this path will lead you to a place you truly want to be in. I shall hover around. I shall protect you. I shall pick you up when you need it. Till then, I shall be calmed by that smile of yours.

The first part of this post is a dream I have every night about a friend and the latter part is what I say to myself after I wake up scared and petrified!

I wish

2009-04-19T00:00:00.000+05:30

I just can't come up with something new. I feel so blahed out. This is what I wrote a year back and it is still relevant for today. So, I'm just going to repost it. Sorry, Ma!

I wonder,
If things would have been different
Had you been here.
If I would be different,
If WE would be different.

But today,
I wish I could tell you how much I love you,
I wish I could tell you how much I miss you,
Even though you aren't close,
I wish you were.

The distance between is
Not something I can change,
Nor is what you feel about me,
But all I can do is love you
And hope that you feel the same.

But today,
I wish I could tell you how much I love you,
I wish I could tell you how much I miss you,
Even though you aren't close,
I wish you were.

Maybe you too are hoping
That you could be here,
Going for movies and out for dinner
(since you always hated cooking)
Maybe you don't .

But today,
I wish I could tell you how much I love you,
I wish I could tell you how much I miss you,
Even though you aren't close,
I wish you were.

You are the reason I exist!!!

This poetry is dedicated to my mom...Happy birthday, Ma!!!!! :)

Language and us

2009-04-17T23:52:00.002+05:30

This post is a combination of a lot of things. A random chat with a friend about relationships, the prompt at Sunday Scribblings about "language", Jaky's post of which the 1st point was to understand people and a frustration-filled conversation with a friend in the morning.

We all know what happens when we want to say something and words don't seem to be our best friends. What is worse is when we don't realise the impact of what we say on others. So many times, I've reacted in ways that are unlike me and I wonder why. Sometimes, people say things that put others in a defensive mode.

Many of us seem not to realise that language too can put people in the fight or flight mode. Some people just get on our nerves with the way they speak. This style of speaking can be so detrimental for a relationship. Just imagine a person who is always put you on guard. How would you feel? Tired? Unable to keep up? Just wanting to run away.

When language is so powerful, why aren't we more careful in using it? We all can talk. And that is one of the markers of our humanity. Of our superiority over "lesser" animals. Then why not use it well? Why take it so much for granted?

"You think that I don't even mean

A single word I say...

It's only words

And words are all I have

To take your heart away

Talk, in everlasting words

And dedicate them all, to me

And I will give you all my life

I'm here if you should call to me

You think that I don't even mean

a single word I say.."

- Words by Boyzone!

Fatal Attraction

2009-04-12T16:08:00.005+05:30

I was cribbing about being unable to write and my dear dear friend Leo gave me a pic to inspire and I wrote a small little fiction 55 on it. Lo and behold, I was kinda able to write after that I completed the prompt on Acrostic Only.

I took his small feet in my hands and wondered if he’ll remember me when I’m gone. I didn’t have much time to spend with him. I would miss him grow, maybe even miss his first words, first steps. Would he miss me? Suddenly, he opened his eyes and I realized let’s make memories now.

Fatal Attraction- The Acrostic

Fragile, you seemed
Alabaster-toned your skin
Tenacious, your mind.
Alluring are your eyes, me to
Lands unknown.

As I sit across the
Table, I look at you moving,
Talking, lips moving in perfect symphony.
Radiantly beaming.
A sigh escapes my lips.
Can't we be together?, I wonder
The pain of separation
Is more than I can take.
One more breath without you is my
Nemesis. My end. My quietus.

I know it lacks flow. But I tried to imply the confusion that he feels on seeing the girl that he loves but can't have.

Colours, him and her

2009-04-10T00:23:00.003+05:30

He loved flirting with colours. She came into the room looking stunning just for him, her painter. He gave her one look and realized it was all a ploy to get him away from work. She smiled standing at the doorway. He left his easel, his colours for her smile.

This is a Fiction 55 (Well, I'm not sure if this can qualify for it but it has 55 words)

Prompted at 3WW

The Three

2009-04-07T14:02:00.001+05:30

In 3 decades,

Three things I want from myself:

Not change so much that I don't remember what it was to be me.
Still be able to dance in the rain.
Think, " I had a darn good life."

Three things I want from my SO:

Appreciate all that I do, even though he might not understand it or it's importance.
Not be passive at anything i.e MUST love action of any kind ;)
Should be strong enough to fight with me and for me. There is only ONE effective way of shutting me up and he should learn that pretty quickly.

Three things I want from my friends:

Keep saying to me, "Rash, stop thinking so much." :P
Continue to understand me without me saying a word. Even if they don't, have the patience to let me say things on my own..
Understand that sometimes I don't msg or call or even pick up when you call but if I were to avoid you, it would be very clear. I'm moody and pompous but I do love you! :)

(I wonder how I will look when I'll 50 which is 30 years from now. WOW...)

Attempted at HoT

Friendship

2009-04-05T16:50:00.004+05:30

The prompt for the week is FRIENDSHIP at Acrostic Only.

It is impossible to say all about this in just 10 lines. But I have tried to capture the essence of it in first poem.

The second one is in a dedication to a very dear friend of mine. To the sloth bear!

Forever seems a time too little. In

Retrospect, I wonder

If I completely understand

Everything that transpired, then and now.

Never ending love, undying

Devotion, unrelenting trust

Soothing advice, strong shoulders.

Happiness or sorrow, never ever was

I alone. All along, you tagged.

Perish with me, only shall the feeling of "us".

-------------------------------------------------

"Forgive me, will you?"

Repeated he, for the 4th time.

I pretended never to have heard

Echoes of the remorse.

Never ever has a slap been so hard.

Dead inside, the feelings strong.

"Stop," I say to him.

"Have you realised

I don't ever want to think, ever

Pretend it never happened?"

Dare to be me

2009-04-02T21:03:00.004+05:30

Conventions are to be crushed,

I have the knack of defiance,

it seems.

Each day, in some way,

Varied norms, I break,

The moulds of society,

I shun.

I dare me to be me,

Each day, in some way.

Attempted at 3WW: Knack, Varied and Crush

Eyes

2009-03-31T23:55:00.007+05:30

"I read the headlines, I see the hard times

I wonder if we'll survive
But I know there's no worries
With just one look in your eyes

I work 40 hours to bring home a dollar
At times it barely keeps us alive
But I know there's no worries
With just one look in your eyes

With just one look in your eyes I see
Someone who believes in me till the end
Through thick & thin
With just one look in your eyes I know
No matter how far down I go
You lift me up, up, again
With just one look in your eyes
One look in your eyes

So I make you a promise, when it rains down on us
We'll always have blue skies
I know there's no worries
With just one look in your eyes

With just one look in your eyes
I know there's no worries

With just one look in your eyes"

(Lyrics of With One Look in Your Eyes)

When the display picture on my Gtalk turned to a cropped pic of my eyes, I got such amazing compliments :) [Vanity is my vice]

What do eyes tell you? Do they tell about me? Or can you see what your soul reflects? I feel we all can see what we want. I can see sadness, happiness, fear in the same pair of eyes. Eyes are the windows to the soul.

What is it about eyes that make it so special? Do they truly never lie? Do they really reflect the soul?

Answers to this I truly may never know. But, I think the reason eyes are special is because,

"There is a road from the eyes to the heart which doesn't pass through intellect." -G. K. Chesterton

P.S: I have tried very hard not to cite research from my psychology text !!! :) Hence, it seems abrupt!

Prompt from: HoT

Smoke

2009-03-30T22:44:00.001+05:30

Arises slowly from the ashes,

The smoke from the coal

The orange, red flashes,

Arises slowly from the ashes,

Of the fire and smoke clashes

Giving my soul some console,

Arises slowly from the ashes,

The smoke from the coal.

Everything charred by the smoke,

All around covered with soot.

Beyond recognition, like in a cloak

Everything charred by the smoke,

Things stir, I choke

Everywhere,I look or my step I put

Everything charred by the smoke,

All around covered with soot.

Attempted at OSI

This form of poem is called a Triolet. Learnt it here.

Also submitted to Monday Poetry Train.

Thanks Prats, for always exposing me to new forms :)

Pain is addictive

2009-03-29T19:48:00.003+05:30

Attempted at Acrostic Only. The prompt is Pain Is Addictive.

This is about Self-Injury. The less I say about it, the better it is. However, I found this first hand experience about it and it does speak volumes of it.

Part of me, it is now.

An indestructible part,

Indifferent, I have become,

Nonetheless, to your presence.

I am no longer me.

Slave to pain, the feeling of being alive.

Alive from the passive death.

Death, the slow death from the pain

Death, unlike the death of my happiness.

It is not unlike the blood flowing from a

Cut on my arm. Painful. But

Therapeutic. It screams aloud,

"I'm alive!" Unlike my broken heart

Veins throb. I revel in

Elixir of life: Pain.

After hours

2009-03-26T15:35:00.005+05:30

He: We lost 4-1. 4-1!! I'm not going to work tomorrow.

She: Haha! Don't be stupid now. I bet they made an earnest effort but well you guys do suck.

He: Yeah. That's what I'll have to listen to all day tomorrow. Maybe all week. I work in an office filled with Gunners and Blues.

She: Come on. Its ok. Just their 2nd defeat. They'll come back.

He: How was your day? Didn't you have their HR meeting today?

She: Yes. That was fun. HR came up with a fun activity for a change.

He: Not all HRs are bad. I'm pretty good at it.

She: I bet, darling. So, today our team had to sit down and think of an object that we can identify with the other person.

He: That is interesting. You were?

She: Maggi Noodles...

He: Haha.. Seriously?

She: Dependable and Reliable. Low maintenance.

He: Low maintenance? Do they know you?

She: Well, not as well as you do!

He: Smart.

She: You would say I'm..?

He: Hmmmm... (a long pause)

She: I'm waiting...

He: A chemically reactive substance.

She: Excuse me..

He: Yeah. The unstable chemical element. That has many layers. Many stages before it finally reaches stability. What it touches doesn't remain itself. It changes. Maybe good. Maybe bad. But it changes. Like you changed me for life. You've scarred me. *smirk*

She: In a good way?

He: Maybe.

She: Sly. It is ok to compliment once in a while.

He: (yawn) yeah. I know.

She: I think you should sleep now. Gnite. See you tomorrow?

He: Yes. Same time. Same place. Sleep well.

Attempted for 3WW: (Words were Earnest, Reactive, Layers)

Love v/s Arranged

2009-03-26T00:00:00.000+05:30

This is post is basically my 2 cents on the entire love v/s arranged marriage issue. I read it on a fellow blogger's post of how love and arranged marriages both have pitfalls. Obviously nothing is perfect. Neither love nor a relationship.

For me the difference between love and arranged marriage is the difference between practicality and idealism.

Love is ideal. It sees everything with rose-tinted glasses. Everything is perfect. Nothing is bad. He is cute. She is beautiful. Life is one happily ever after fairy tale.

An arranged marriage is the other end of continuum. It asks what will you provide for the family? Will you understand me? Will take care of my needs, my wants? What is your salary? Prospects?

Yeah, I know this is black and white. But look around you. How many couples in love survive college and the hard life ahead? How many couples getting into an arranged marriage can truly say they are in love like they were with their college sweethearts?

Sorry, maybe things around have made me a cynic. These wouldn't be my words a year back. Now, this is what I believe in.

In life, we can't get the best of both worlds but we can try. Give the love of your life some time to prove themselves. People change drastically when pushed into the hard life. Let them find themselves and then decide if you still love the person they have become. When deciding to marry a stranger, see if you can see yourself loving this person for the rest of your life.

I, for one, have been blessed that I can actually make this decision. Most people have to just go with what their parents decide. Sometimes, I wonder would it be better if I didn't have a choice?

Equals

2009-03-24T21:01:00.002+05:30

Nothing would change

Everything would be the same

Equals we would be

Just as always,

Forever it would be.

The calls stopped

So did the emails.

Left at the crossroads,

Wondering why did I ever trust?

Friends we are not, never can be

When a heart breaks,

It doesn't break equal.

You got a bigger piece,

And a little bit of me.

Prompted at OSI

Of Martyrs, Mumbai and Me

2009-03-23T12:56:00.004+05:30

It is been 78 years since 3 great men were sent to gallows for the billion existing today. We owe our freedom and the ability to breathe in open air to these and other countless others. But truly, do we value their sacrifice.

(Edit: I was trying to find a link to actually explain who those 3 men are to the clueless ones. Not one link available for 2009. Has everyone truly forgotten Bhagat Singh, Rajguru and Sukhdev? After the spurt of movies on them , has their commercial value waned or disappeared altogether?)

Today, when I look back, I wonder if these men regret their decision. Did they truly give up their lives for THIS apathy, this indifference?

What does freedom mean to you and me? What is the cost of one life? What is the value of that ONE vote?

Close to nothing. Freedom means nothing because we were born with it! One life means nothing because we have seen countless lives end with one bomb. Not once but over and over again. That one vote means nothing because according to us, it has no power.

We all recoil into our shells like tortoises. We all bury our heads into the sand like ostriches. We fail to realise that danger lurks irrespective of whether we see it or we hide.

If we fail to remember, we fail to appreciate those who gave up their lives for us, I wonder what the life of that common man means? Of what value is it?

I saw Mumbai Meri Jaan yesterday (finally) and realised one thing. We all have different reactions to violence, to terrorism. But with time it fades. Madhavan with his chronic fatigue syndrome, Soha fighting the loss of a dear one and the "news" (read: mockery) everyone is making of her pain, Kay Kay Menon with his prejudice , Paresh Rawal and Kadam (I think his name was in the movie) fighting with themselves about feelings of helplessness, EVERYONE moves on. Those who lost someone will remember it and then MOVE ON.

When will we learn persistence? This happens, but it SHOULDN'T.

This isn't a test of patience. We are losing lives here. When will this issue become of prime importance?

Maybe, I'm reading too much into it. But, in the movie, when everyone stands still for 2 mins of silence and then moves on. That exactly what Mumbai does : gives itself 2 mins to bleed and mourn and then no more. One life, one thousand lives mean nothing when there are a billion people to cater to. A billion people to take their place.

(Btw, I love this one line from the movie where Paresh Rawal says, " Yeh log nahi peeyenge toh Mumbai mein spirit kahan se aayega." When he sees how rich folks are still drinking and enjoying even after the serial blasts)

These lyrics just seem so true now :

Kahin building kahin traame, kahin motor kahin mill Milta hai yahan sab kuchh ik milta nahin dil

Nostalgia...

2009-03-22T18:00:00.002+05:30

Not every memory is special,

Only the times that I

Spent with you.

The thunderstorms, the cold or

Azure, warm sky

Leave my lashes moist.

Ghosts of the past, whisper

Is the same you that

Allured life into me?

Prompted at Acrostic Only

Ripped Passport

2009-03-20T23:15:00.002+05:30

Attempted at Weekend Wordsmith

Today, I didn't want to leave. My baby girl was in a playful mood. I didn't want to leave her. Her cute little smile. It seemed it was just yesterday that I had got in from my business trip. It was OK when it was just me. Now I had her. I hated leaving her with my mother and go. But I had to work for her. Our future.

She looked at me with her big brown eyes like she wanted to say " Don't go,please."

"Oh baby girl. I have to. Don't hate me," I said aloud as I heard the door bell ring, "Nana is here to take care of my baby doll."

I went down and let mother in. As I chatted with mother and go into the room, I realised with alarm that my passport was in Ani's hands. Now, my baby is that stage where she needs to tear everything, put everything in her mouth. I tried to cajole her into giving it back to me. She just wouldn't listen. She just kept looking at me, teasing me.

Suddenly, she just ripped it apart. Now, it was time for my eyes to widen. My meeting, my work, all gone. How would I explain it to my bosses?

I would lose an important account. Mother calmed me down. I made calls and explained the situation. My boss was surprisingly understanding and said that she herself would take a later flight and take care of it.

She said that she understood what it meant to be a single mother.

I smiled at my baby girl and wondered if this was her ploy to make me stay. Anyway, I was happy for the day off. I spent all day with her in my arms. That smiling face gave me joy that nothing in the world could give. Not the riches. Not all the meetings in the world.

All in all, I was very happy for the ripped passport!

Shipwreck

2009-03-19T18:06:00.000+05:30

This is what I wrote for WL..

Then the tide came in. With waves as big as her itself. She sailed on courageously. But she was no match for Tsunami that the tide brought in. She broke into a million different pieces. Pieces of her were scattered in lands far and wide. Some parts of her, the tide carried away with him.

Last I saw her, she was picking up the pieces to join herself back. "I won't be the same," she said to me, "I'll be new. Maybe better? Definitely something stronger!" She said with a smile oh-so-divine. She maybe safe in the harbour but her love lies in the tide, the same tide that destroyed her once. Sail away to your love, to your true calling.

After I wrote it, a lot of people asked me what it was was about. I tell here. This blog has seen me rant about a lot of stuff. Most significant events of my life have been converted into stories of fiction. I've been hurt (no, not in love) but at work. People I trusted misunderstood me. Maybe they never wanted to understand. I gave in and I broke down. It hurt tremendously that my efforts went in vain and some innocent kids that to pay the brunt of me giving up. But if I hadn't I would have lost myself. (This is the story of that time of my life. I gave it the time of a love story but it was my life)

I had lost strength. The ability to trust myself. It has been more than a year since. Now, I have gathered strength back. Now, I'm going back to my tide. Well, not to the same people who hurt me. Because I do have self respect. But I'm going back to work. I'm going back to my children. I'm going to now MAKE A DIFFERENCE.

Smile please...

2009-03-18T20:55:00.004+05:30

Ubiquitous seemed the gloom,

Inevitable seemed the doom.

Along, you came with your flair

Pushed away all the despair.

Naturally came hope,

Problems were easy to cope.

Because you, a smile, I wore,

Life was a burden no more.

This is a dedication to my sweet friend Leo (Vinay, Vinu). When I told him that I was not feeling ok, he wrote me this. (It is an acrostic so see the first letter of each line)

Means a lot to me
Your friendship

Feel you're there
Really by my side
In gloom or cheer
Every moment
Not forgotten
Dear baby you are

Radiant when u smile
Awesome when u write
Star always to me
How I wish I was
In your heart Always

Pray I do
Love you a lot
Ever if i stop
All that would mean
Still everything would stand
Even God would laugh

Say he would indeed
My dear Vinu, you
Indeed will have your wish
Love her till your last breath
Even from heaven u can see her

Oh yeah, it spells "My Friend Rashi, Please smile." Isn't he the best?

This is my entry to 3WW. Words this week were : Ubiquitous, Natural and Burden

Farewell

2009-03-15T23:07:00.004+05:30

As I bid goodbye to you,

I wonder if its a farewell.

I take a step closer,

Kiss you on your cheek

And turn around

To hide my tears-

A futile attempt.

I want you to not leave,

A desire I keep hidden

In the depths of my heart.

I want to run away.

It hurts to see you go

Will you miss me?

I wonder.

I walk with you to check-in

Like on auto-pilot

Emotions overpowering

Mind whirling,

Thoughts running wild

Voice caught in my throat

Hands numb.

Finally, it is time

For the one final hug,

Tears dried, muscles frozen.

You take my face in your hands

"This ain't farewell, just a

See you later". I smile and

Whisper back, "See you later, alligator"

At One Single Impressions, the prompt was given as Farewell. Just that word sparked so many memories and out of those memories, I wrote this. I have so many poems, write ups inspired by that one series of incidents that I wish I compile it all and make a book. It would be perfect. But then, who would buy? :P

Courage

2009-03-15T13:59:00.005+05:30

At Acrostic Only, this week's prompt is COURAGE. These are my poems for it:

Conquer fear, I do

Overcoming pain of

Untoward dangers.

Raging to slay

Anyone in the way.

Gentle spares life. From him

Emerges benefit.

Cowardice, I know not.

Of Fear, I care not.

Unrelenting is my thirst of

Reaching and dispensing the worst.

Ageless is my valour

Gentle spares life. From him

Emerges benefit.

I know I have kept the last 2 lines the same but then I liked them a lot... It is borrowed from a line in Tao Te Ching which says "One of courage, with audacity, will kill. One of courage, but gentle, spares life. From these two kinds of courage arise harm and benefit." I really liked this explanation that courage is derived from love . It explains so much. Even courage at the wrong time can be harmful. Only that which benefits others is what is needed.

Why do I do this?

2009-03-14T14:20:00.002+05:30

There is no point blogging any more.I spent days together in its conception and design.I had started enjoying it but i too is over flooding with negative emotions.What's the point of doing anything when nothing is helping you out.I am deleting this blog.I want to thank everyone who kept reading it and poured their advices.Shared facts with me.I can't continue with this any more.Time is running fast,I can't see the horizon.I have no idea when all this will end.

When I read this on a fellow blogger's blog, I started to wonder: Why do I blog? I started to blog in 06 though my blog shows first post as Dec 07. I deleted my blog because of my frustrations. I felt exactly like her. Now, I have been back to blogging and there is very little, if at all anything that can make me delete this space.

My blog has been my voice. Those around me can relate every post of mine to an incident in my life. Some are as trivial as a sentence said by a person. But that evolves as an idea. Most of the time, my emotions are over- exaggerated, but they are all mine.

Blogging has given me great friends. Some of them who understand me. Some who offer constructive criticism. Some who can relate to what I write. Some who expect me to explain some of my posts. Some who may think its nuts. But I really don't care. I do (really really) love those who comment, those who actually follow my blog and come and read me each time I update. But truly, from my heart, I write for me. I write because I like it. I like expression. I can't imagine me if I didn't write. If there are thousand who think I write non-sense and one, just one can relate to it, I'm happy. And because most of the time, I write about me, I know my problems aren't unique, hence someone out there can relate.

Basically, I just want MM (who deleted her blog) to realise that blogging maybe cathartic or maybe not. Blogging may be understood by many or no-one. Like most things in life, we must do it for ourselves first. Sometimes, we must cater to other people's needs and wants but we must think about ourselves too.

Smile of an angel

2009-03-11T18:01:00.007+05:30

This is my entry for today's 3WW:

Words were Cajole, Recluse and Temper

As I looked at her, I felt my temper melt away. My anger toward fate and life. When she caught my finger with her tiny little fingers, I couldn't help but smile. My little angel who had forced me out of my recluse. My baby who was now cajoling me to live my life for her. After my wife's death what did I have to look forward to but the smile of this angel?

-------------------------

I dreamt a little dream, tonight.

I saw him whisk him away like a knight.

I saw him pick me up from my recluse sole

I felt him cajole life into my soul

I felt tempers no more, hatred ceased.

I know there is hope, in my dreams, at least.

Manic Monday Meme

2009-03-09T18:48:00.005+05:30

At Manic Monday, they asked,

What would you do with an extra hour each day?

Almost everyday, my grandmother tells me that I should have 36 hrs in the day, so that I can complete my work. You can see me work till 2 or 3 am at times too. (I'm bordering Type A personality and proud of it.) I make a list of things to be done everyday in the morning and try to get everything done. (I love lists) Now a days, since I have holidays, most things seem to go smoothly and have enough time to blog and talk friends too. But otherwise, sleep becomes a rare commodity and life is hectic.

So, in the end if I had an extra hour, I would probably spend it with family because they are the ones who face the most brunt of my sleepless nights (and hence my sharp tongue).

Do you wear a watch? If so, tell us about it. If not, how do you keep track of time?

Most of the time, I do wear a watch but otherwise I use my phone to keep a track of time.

If it was possible, would you want to know how many days you had left to live?

Not at all. I want to think I would live forever and plan accordingly. I like my plans to be BIG. :)

For those who don't dream have nothing to look forward to...

Woman' Day - A virgo woman!

2009-03-08T21:24:00.005+05:30

Today is Woman's Day and I wrote this poem for Acrostic Only. And on Woman's Day, I dedicate this to a very special woman in my life- My Grandmother.

The epitome of care and perfection.
Her smile -divine as that of an angel
Every action- grace personified.

Virtuous by nature, she
Imbibes everything around with
Reasoning of a calm mind.
God sent, to she is each
Of those who know her.

Wherever she goes,
Of whatever path she takes
May she always be the calm
Azure and the rebel crimson.
Never ever may she change.

And to all the virgo women in my life and those who light up someone else's life too.. May all our dreams come true and you get all that you deserve.. Be safe!!

Rain Haiku!

2009-03-05T00:18:00.003+05:30

Tears want to avenge
Rain from clouds genuine, not.
Rambling to place new.

Prompted at 3WW

This form of poetry is called a Haiku. Prats explains it wonderfully here. My other attempts are here!

I love Prats for introducing experimentation in my style! Thanks a lot :D

Conversation!

2009-03-04T23:18:00.000+05:30

Call me, if you can

Or maybe send me a letter

Never leave, without saying a word.

Very often, I do wonder if you realise that

Each time I hear you

Ramble about your day, your

Stories about life,

Anything and everything,

The satisfaction of a CONVERSATION

I get, of just listening to you, my dear.

On and off, do keep in touch, OH!

Never ever leave, without saying a word.

Attempted at Acrostic Only

What is an Acrostic Poem?? The answer is here. But it mainly means that the first letter of each line spells the name of the poem and the theme.

XoXo

Diary of a 30-something

2009-03-03T01:13:00.001+05:30

Dear Diary,

Today all records are broken. The number of lies I told V, the number of cigarettes, the amount of crappiness I felt. Each reached a new high today.

Today, as usual, I left for the office earlier than I was expected to be there. This has suddenly become my routine. When did it stop being exciting and full of strong emotions and become mundane. Is this numbness just a phase I'm going through?

These questions are not new. They have always plagued me but I always hid it. But whats the point? Nobody knows about P ! How do I explain to them? I'm a part of the perfect couple. I'm the perfect wife, the perfect mother. Everyone thinks V is the perfect husband. And yes, he is. I don't know what more could he have done. But somehow I could never have broken off my ties with P.

P and I were together in a love-less relationship for 4 years. What others might have called 'Fuck-buddies'. We knew it was more. We truly cared about each other. Sometime, with passing time, care left us and what was left was the sex. Even that lost the passion for me.

Guilt had left me. Love had left me. Passion had left me. I wonder if I could ever be normal again. I wonder why had I ever gotten myself into this? I wonder if I could get any further from what I had thought my perfect life would be. I wonder if I can ever put an end to this?

Wordless Weekends- II

2009-02-23T21:53:00.007+05:30

My day in pictures!

P.S I'm too bored and sick to write anything!!!

A cute little butterfly that flew in!

The journal I have been writing all day!! :(

My PINK nails

(FYI: I hate pink)

My 3rd tissue packet since morning! *Sniff sniff*

Today

2009-02-17T16:49:00.004+05:30

It has been 3 days since I have been reaching VT station at around 7 am. The only time I have that early over there was during the Mumbai Marathons (07 and 08). Actually, I have been there at 5am then. But then, at that time, the entire area is kind of quarantined and there are very little people but those directly involved and yet it is busting with activity.

These past days have been a completely different ball game. It is peaceful. There are still people getting to work. But somehow the hurry is missing. If you know me, you'll know that I'm always running for my bus or my train. Every single day. Today, too, I realised the bus was at the stop and I was walking really fast toward it. Normally I would have made a dash and yet not made it. Today, the bus driver just showed his hand to me and I walked kinda leisurely and actually got into the bus.

I don't know why it just seemed like people looked more relaxed. The moon was in the sky and was not yet over-powered by the harsh bright rays of the sun. The sun was in the sky but it was smiling. Was I relaxed to have perceived it like this? I really doubt since I was going to give my paper. Is it like this everyday morning? Maybe I should really start waking up before noon!

PS. The paper bombed!!! I should pay less attention to the scenic outside and more in the book, I think!

PPS: I am going to blog more about my day. I think I'm getting too elitist (as some1 pointed out). I begin my descent back to ground.

Wordless weekend-1

2009-02-14T17:44:00.010+05:30

A lot of things are happening in life that I'm not liking and then there are others that I'm totally loving. Some are plain frustrating and some are making me want to dance on the moon. But that is life, I guess!

I have realised sometimes keeping quiet can also work. At least sometimes, when the person in front is so adamant, you just have to shut up and let him think he has won! What to do?

With this rant, I present Wordless weekend, where I will try to post a picture every weekend (which I find something to post about) which will represent the week gone by or something specific I learnt. I don't know. Lets see how that goes.

The first picture here was taken today. I have exams at 7.30 am (yeah, I know) and hence, I leave home by 6 when it is pitch dark. On my way to college, I can see the sun rise and today I tried to capture that. I kept staring at it for quite sometime.

Warning : I'm no photographer and I probably suck at it!

Click on the picture. I swear it looks better like that!!

P.S: For something that was supposed to be wordless, wasn't this wordy??

Of little men and women.

2009-02-10T10:08:00.005+05:30

I was having this conversation about molestation with a real close friend of mine. Now this friend of mine is in a different country (Pakistan), she belongs to a different religion and on the whole is a very different individual but what connects us is tha

t we are women. We feel the same pain as women across the world do. The fact that my education, my upbringing, my personality has nothing to do with the fact that I was molested. That person reduced me to a mere object. An object of his advances. Nothing more and nothing less. It is just a disgusting fact.

And this person could be my brother, my father, my uncle, a person I trust and care about. The fact that tomorrow I can't tell my daughter to trust her father or her brother completely. I can't tell her that her dad will always protect her and she will always be her daddy's little girl is just so disturbing.

My friend rightly asked me, "What do I tell my daughter then?” My simple answer to this is: Trust yourself. You don't like something. OBJECT. This is definitely easier said than done. And when there is so much "secrecy" involved especially with regards to such behaviors, is it a wonder that most mothers just ignore such complaints from their daughters? Or reprimand them for concocting such stuff?

Tell your daughter, your sisters that she has the right to say no. To say anything wants. To say whatever she feels. She has a right to speak. She has a right to do whatever she wants just as much you have a right to that. Tell her she is an individual. Tell her, she can protect herself. She has something that she should protect. Her soul. Her identity. She, herself is a being of equal right.

People who oppress women on the name of religion have no confidence on themselves. Deep in their hearts they know they are wrong. They know that it isn’t the way they are portraying it to be. Do they dare to say what they think about women going to pubs or wearing jeans? No. They don't have the guts (or balls) do that. Rather they say that their religion tells them to do so.

Should we really be concerned about this? This is just another instance of people suffering because "GOD" spoke to one person.

I really wonder what God would be saying right now?

Hope still exists.

Have I ever told you how much I love my brother? Except for the reasons that he is made of the same blood and flesh, he is turning out to be one hell of a man. Yes, my baby brother is now becoming a man. He is "just" 16 yrs old but I am so proud of him. It was just a small incident that triggered of my feelings in this direction.

I was having cold coffee and my servant came in and said, "So you are having coffee too? A (my brother) just finished his."

Me: "Yeah. He made it for me."

(Uhum... Yes. He can and I can't)

Servant: "See the love your brother has."

I just smile and go on typing on the computer.

Servant: "Wait till his wife comes. Then he will make her do all the work."

Me: “I’m sure my brother will make coffee for her just as he does for me."

And yes, I'm absolutely sure of it.

Well, while at it, I remember when I was very down in life and I would end up crying in the night. (Frustration makes me cry) And my brother is not the hugs kinda guy, but on those days, I could feel him sleep nearer to press his back against mine. It just felt so comforting to know that he was near.

When, there are talks about women being treated as inferior or men not respecting women, I can safely say that my brother will not be one of them. I am proud of what and who he is.

Cheers to you, bro and please keep making me proud of you.

Oh yeah, thats us when we were really little :)

XOXO!

25 things you didn't know about me!

2009-02-05T14:47:00.000+05:30

Nona asked me to write 25 things about me when she did the tag. Well, its crazy and it seems easy but getting the exact 25 is pretty tough. Give it a try and do let me know :)

1. I'm a girl (Bah... No, I will not give any proof to YOU. You'll just have to believe me)

2. I love my name. My parent's 2nd gift to me. First being life.

3. I love to write (Duh... This is on MY blog)

4. I love crayons.

5. I like being 20. 19 is teenage and 21 is adult. I'm right in between.

6. I'm immature or as I like to call it- childlike. Deal with it

7. I pretend to hate Vday.

8. I pretend not to care.

9. I love all colours. Life is boring without them, There is no yucky colour. Just colours in yucky contexts.

10. I love black and white pictures.

11. I used to hate my hair. Now, I love it. ( I dont care if it gets me a 3.5 :P)

12. I have loads of virtual friends. I love them. I have very few "real" friends. I love them .

13. I love sitting at my balcony staring at the sky. The moon is my love. Yes, I will share him with you.

14. I'm not scared of heights but scared of dropping something when I'm up there.

15. I love Chick Lit. I hate Mills and Boons. (Sorry, girls. But I do. The cartoony one was fun though)

16. I cry on little things and choke on the big ones.

17. I can't sing and yet I do.

18. I hate lizards. Yes, dinosaurs too. Just the thought of a gaint lizard chills my spine. Snakes aren't my favorite either. Well, I guess any kind of reptile.

19. According to a close friend, I give too much too soon too quick. I think I agree. I trust easily. I bruise easily.

20. I love gadgets. I'm technologically challenged.

21. I'm passive aggressive. Maybe even Type-A. Yes, I know its bad.

22. My migranes are terrible. Don't mess with me then.

23. I've terrible moodswings. I'm voltaile. Deal with it.

24. I'm hyper sensitive. I am allergic to cement, paint, polish, smell of cigarettes, smell of matches being lit, dust etc..

25. I will always be my Daddy's little girl.

26. I never stick to rules [Hence, 26 instead of 25 ;)] and I love you for actually reading this!

XOXO

PS. I know, Kajal, you wanted to do this. So here I tag you :).

What you are to me!

2009-02-03T22:56:00.003+05:30

Happiness dont impress me much

Its a nice place to be

Sadness is uncomfortable

It inspires.

Yet, now, I look

Everywhere, at everything

For something, for someone

to inspire me.

I lost it, when

I lost you.

My penchant for

anything fine.

I wrote when with you,

I fought

I wrote when with you

I made sweet love.

I wrote always for you

Now, without you, there is

No-one to fight, no-one to love

There is no inspiration.

The desperation,

The frustration,

The inspiration I craved,

Numbness has been paved.

Whatever prevailed

Whatever it was

It is no longer there

Just a void that you left.

Come back to fight

Come back in sight

Come back in my life

Come back, be my wife.

I loved you, I still do.

Selfish you were, still are.

I loved you, without a care.

You loved me, just as a muse.

Your penchant is lost

Took it with me, it seems

But it is that you miss.

Coz without it, you are in a fix.

Life is incomplete

without inspiration.

Is that all I mean

To thee?

Without me,

Your words lose meaning

With you,

My existance begins waning.

Come back to fight?

Come back in sight?

If just you had asked me to

Come back to love!

Ps: Just in case I have to explain this, the first part is the guy talking and the next part is spoken by the girl!

I hope no more explanation is needed! :)

Leo, A big thanks for the help!

Let me.....

2009-01-31T23:14:00.000+05:30

Broken wings

Entangled strings

Confusion all around

Tied and bound.

I see you weep

even when you are asleep.

I see you cry

to hide it,you try.

All I want is

to be your inspiration

All I need is

to be your destination

I want to inspire

life in you.

The drive to live

and not be blue.

I want to inspire

love in you.

To feel , to care

beautiful and true.

I want to inspire

faith in you.

Faith in life and love

and to them value.

I want to inspire

you to be you.

Change the world

Change your view.

Let me love you.

Let me mend your broken heart.

Let me close without hesitation.

Let me be your inspiration.

Inspiration

2009-01-28T14:57:00.003+05:30

"Inspiration"

I said

"Come to me"

I want, I need

to finish off what's started

What

is that

I care about

truly in my heart?

That I can connect with?

Love?

Care, friendship?

trust and fidelity?

Listed, counted and thought

Long and hard and waited.

What

is that

I care about

from my heart's depths

Frustration. Dejection. Erase. Rethink. Restart.

Eyes

of mine

See the day

of today, fourth Monday,

the 26th day of January

years since.

60 days since.

What changed, I wonder

What have I been doing?

"Light"

I exclaimed

"Let there be"

At the end of

this deep deep dark tunnel

Flame

flickered slowly

Died, it didnt

I saw it strengthen

Slowly, it lit 100 more.

Cross posted at the Writers' Lounge.

This is how I felt when I was asked to write on the topic of INSPIRATION at the on-going contest there. I have been so down on inspiration and words that I can't even decently comment. But reading some posts on R Day as well as the Mangalore issue ( I'm still very pissed and not very rational about it..So will post when I'm done fuming. But I love what IHM and Usha have to say about it) this poem is what I came up with!

I'm hoping this is what happens. I hope the flame of anger and frustration ignites many more.

P.s It is been 59 years since India was given the status of a republic and it has been 60 days since the Mumbai attacks!

Is there anything else I need to explain in this poem?

R-day 09! Another year, what changed?

2009-01-26T18:43:00.003+05:30

Today my gtalk message was very simple. It read as " I wonder if its just me being oblivious or the anger and frustration of the Mumbai attacks is dead." Suren, here says all I really want to say too about this.

Then when I read this at IHM's blog, I just knew I had to write about this. Today is Republic Day. A day of National importance (or just a national holiday depending on the way you see it). What was done today? NOTHING. That was the day when 1000s of people gathered at Gateway to protest and to pledge a movement of change. Where is that movement? Where is the start of the change? Has the anger died? Have we all become so numb?

I left a comment on IHM's blog saying : " I believe Indian constitution is the best possible constitution in the worst possible hands." I do believe that our constitutions need a little bit of cleaning and dusting and probably a set of new laws but other that, its perfect. The drafters were so brilliant that they left nothing to chance. They thought of everything. Everything except the extent of deterioration of the quality of politicians (and the average age, maybe).

I have this very strong urge to sit down and make a list of "What is wrong with our country?" and name everything that bothers me. But I know the root cause of most of these problems : APATHY. The chalta hai, I dont care, what to do attitude. On MTv, this guy was asked if he had voted (he was around 21) and on receiving an answer in the negative, was asked why. He said," I dont know where to vote, who to vote and why to vote." I'm sure that atleast 75% of the youth have atleast one of these questions if not all three.

Apathy, indifference and ignorance are making our country hollow. Completely soul-less. I'm very worried. The older generation is fading away and the youth on whose shoulders the country rides might just take her to the graveyard. I'm worried. Very worried.

On this day of R-day,I salute each and every person who had to shed blood, sweat or a tear so that I can live peacefully, freely and safely in my own house.

P.S : I submitted my papers for my voter ID and am waiting for it to come, even though I hate the picture I had to give for it.

Letter to life

2009-01-22T13:42:00.004+05:30

Dear Life,

I think about you a lot. Most of the time, its you I'm thinking of. If things go wrong, it is you I blame. But never do I thank you for the nice things you have given me. I'm really sorry for that.

There have been so many times I have been rude to you. Now, I realise how foolish I was being then. I know we have limited time together. I think we should make the best of it.

You have such a kind friend. Never leaving my side, irrespective of what happens. You literally reside in my heart beats. That is how close you are. There have been times, I've been so frustrated that I wanted to leave you alone. Again, I was being immature then. You are the greatest gift, I have ever received. How can I give you away? You were the first thing my parents decided to give me. Second, being my name. I promise you I will never intentionally want to leave you. But somethings aren't in our control, are they?

I know I have unintentionally made things tough for you sometimes. But now onwards, I will my best not to. I will make it easier for me to be with you, even the times when you are being difficult. I'm sorry to have taken you for granted!

Life dearest, when you decide to leave me. I promise you I will let you go with a smile, but till then we are in this together.

Loads of love,

360

2009-01-21T16:42:00.003+05:30

I might be down & dusty,

Maybe even old & rusty.

I might plead & weep,

within me insecurity creep.

Life is tough,

Oh! It's just so rough.

Can't go on!!

Why was I even born?

So on and on, I go,

Whiny and oh-so-low.

Each small seems like a blow.

Maybe somone will me tow.

STOP!

Out of my system, it is

Life isn't all amiss.

In the end, pick self, I do

Everything is fresh and new.

If you just had waited

Maybe with breath baited.

You would've seen

The truth I have always been!

P.s I have moved on! :)

Exams always end up being the worst time of my year. I'm cranky and moody. So this is to all those are generally victims of my mood swings. If you got acquainted to me, during my exams, trust me Im not half as bad. This is my way of maintaining sanity. Sorry :)

360- is the angle I flip from the start to the end of my exams. Point to be noted is that I come back from where I started. And yes, this rhymed :D

Chick Flick II

2009-01-19T13:12:00.002+05:30

Part1 is here

Akash was here. Akash was in Mumbai. Akash was in the same building as me. Akash and I were friends since school. We kind of grew up together. Nani still tells me of the times we used to hit each other with water bottles on the way to our kindergarten class. That was us. We were "linked" together all throughout school and we had no issues. It wasn't like we were oblivious to the fact that both of us liked each other but we just didn't know what next. My diary was filled with our pictures, descriptions of what we did or dreams of how life would be. My days- past or imaginations of the future were incomplete without him.

Till one day, I returned home after a long vacation after my HSC (12th) exams. As soon as I dropped my bags down, I ran next door to speak to him. There was so much I wanted to tell him. More than anything I wanted to tell him how much I had missed him.
What I saw was not what I had expected a lock on the door. He must have gone for a holiday too, I thought to myself and went by everyday to his house in hopes that he would return. He didn't. What did come by though was a letter on my birthday. I still had it in the pages of my diary. I had read so many times that I still knew each word written in it.

" Dear Pix,

Many many Happy Returns of the Day! I know you must be terribly angry. But it was difficult for me too. I had to leave. Dad got a transfer. I couldn't wait. I didn't want to. Saying goodbye to you would have been difficult. I'm sorry I ran away. But I had to. Hope you reply. I hope you understand. I miss you. I love you.
Yours,
A. "

I never replied. This time I ran away. I had longed stopped keeping a diary but today I wanted to write and tell someone everything. I wanted to see him, talk to him. No, what would I say? I rather not. What should I do?

After the sudden thoughts of what should I do, came the 'Did he recognise me? Well if he didn't there is no point in going and talking but if he did then he'll think I'm hiding. Why should I hide? He ran away. I'm a grown woman. I shouldn't hold a grudge for so long. Ahhhh..Splitting headache.Maaaa."

With that sudden noise, Ma was startled. She looked at me wincing in pain. Worry filled her eyes and she ran toward the door. Before I could stop her, she went and called Akash. Ooops Sorry. Dr. Akash.

No way to escape now. He came in. Ahh, he always looked so good in white. He looked older. He looked wiser and I chuckled. He raised his eyebrows. I saw the place where he had hurt himself on a branch when we were out climbing trees. Earth-to-Pix. Shit! Nobody had called me that except him. He loved calling me Pixie. Which no resemblance to my name, Aashrita!

Why were my defences failing? I want to give in. Did he just give me a drug? The love drug? Focus on the present. I hear him say something. No actually I see his lips move.

"Ms. Sinha, are you ok? Can you hear me?"I finally hear him

"Ms. Sinha???" I say aloud

"Thats what it says here. Or is it Mrs?"He says looking at my mother. My mother shakes her head.

"Yes. I think you hit your head when you fell. You may have a mild concussion. Nothing major. Can you follow my fingers?" He waves one finger in front of my eyes. All I want to do is show him another finger for calling me Ms. Sinha.

I try to follow his finger and I think I do fine. All what happened next passes in a blur. He writes some names of some medicines, gives it to my uncle outside and then tells my mother to rest a little. And then he waits. My mother reluctantly leaves me alone. I start closing my eyes again when he says, " You must not strain yourself so much. Sleep and good food is important. Dont you know that, Pix?"

I open my eyes and look at him. He really was my best friend. He was my Akash. He had called me Pix!

After my stomach stops reeling and my head feels not-so-blank, I sat up on the bed. He had the same eyes and the same look. I wondered what he was thinking. He looked at me. Was that hesitation I sense?

A nurse barges in. “Doctor, emergency in ward no. 4. Hurry.” I look as the boy in front of me rises to be become the man I don’t recognize. That’s when I realize that I don’t know this person. He is just as unknown to me as he was before. He leaves without a second look at me. Somehow, I feel crushed. I wanted to go home.

Im sorry this is becoming damn melodramatic...I will try to search for alternative story lines so that it isnt SO bad :)

Chick Flick!

2009-01-13T23:07:00.002+05:30

I cursed the coffee in the morning. I just couldn't wake up. I had heaps of work to do. Staying alone in Pune for the first time away from parents who were back in Mumbai had turned into a nightmare. Most days it was ok. My room-mate and I would somehow manage but it had been a week since she left to go back home. Well, lucky her, I guess.

It was finally the weekend and I was on my way home, almost falling asleep at the wheel. Driving and sleepiness is worse than drinking and driving. Just as if to add to my miseries, my phone started ringing. It was somewhere deep down in my bag. I stopped not wanting anymore trouble with the traffic cops. It was an unknown number.I picked up. It was the hospital. They said my mother had trouble breathing and had fainted on the way to the temple. They asked me to come there immediately. I assured them that I would. I called some of relatives staying closer to home and asked them to reach the hospital as I would take at least 2 hrs more.

Once at an interview, I was asked what is one quality I admire about myself. I said I loved the way I kept calm during crisis and after it was over I let myself panic. That's exactly what I was doing now.

My uncle told me he was rushing to the hospital and would be there in 10 mins. Assured, I started driving like there was no tomorrow. Moments, happy and sad were flashing in front of me. The look in her eyes when I told her I was leaving. The fights over why I wasn't married even though I was 26. Oh Ma, I'm sorry for all that. I'll come back home. I will find a job in Mumbai. I will give the entire arranged marriage thing a try. Just be safe. Just be ok.

1 hr later, I was at the hospital, unaware of how I had survived through Mumbai traffic. There had to be a guarding angel. If just it had taken care of Ma too. I rushed into the hospital and enquired at the reception. She gave me the room number. I went there to see Ma having a hearty laugh over something Uncle had said. I looked through the windows. I looked at my mother, aged and grey, how had I not seen this? I looked at her. I suddenly felt my knee give away. I sat outside the room to gather my strength. I closed my eyes and let the world fade away.

The next thing I knew was that a strong set of shoulders were picking me up. I could sense chaos all around but had no will to open my eyes. Suddenly, I remember Ma and forced my eyes open. What I saw I could not believe. It was. No it couldn't be. But he looks like him. A little older maybe. Ohh there comes that weak in the knees again. I slump down once again.

This time when I wake up I see Ma next to me.

"I thought you were coming here to see me. What happened?" she asks.

"What happened? I have no idea," I say weakly.

Suddenly coming to my senses, I ask her, " How are you? What did the doctors say? Are you ok?"

"Nothing happened to me. Yesterday was Monday and so I fasted and Sunday was Sankashti (I don't know how to spell that, sorry) So I hadn't eaten in 2 days and that's why the doctors feel I fainted. They did all kinds of tests you know."

"Hmmmfff." I didn't even have the heart (or strength) to scold.

"Are you fainting again? I need to go call the doctor."

"No Ma. I'm fine. Can we go home? I think I have started hallucinating due to sleep deprivation. I thought I saw Akash."

Ma giggled. I looked on. No, she doesn't look old and frail as she did. Maybe it was that hospital room. She had always been my strength, my hope, my courage. We had our moments but I knew she had given the world for me and I would do the same for her.

Dad had died young. And she had raised me and my older brother on her own. Fought with the world for us. Stood by us when we made mistakes. Picked us up when we fell. My brother was happily married in the US where both his wife and he were pursuing a PhD. He was always the smart one. I was proud of him. I loved him. I made a mental note to call him up when I got home.

"It was Akash," Ma said. " But now it is Dr. Akash."

I squinted and looked on. And sighed. One more thing on my plate. GREAT!

Toward the horizon

2009-01-07T20:03:00.009+05:30

Toward the horizon I walked,

Without a look behind

Toward the horizon I walked,

To start afresh.

The more I walked,

The more I missed

What I had left behind.

Escape is easy

Staying is difficult.

While I walked to do my shopping for my brother's wedding, I just saw the horizon and the title toward the horizon got stuck in my head. I haven't been able to get it out since then. I decided I had to get it out or else my exams will be doomed. I came up with the first few lines and then was speaking to a friend and he gave his own perspective on it. This is what I came up with after talking to him.

Toward the horizon I walked,

Toward the horizon,

Monsoon clouds hoarded.

As the rain pitter-pattered,

I walked on.

The horizon came seem to come.

The end truly wasn't never

Possible still were amends.

The more I walked,

The more I realised,

Over it wasn't.

Each one can still do

What we have to.

We still can

Make a difference.

Complaining about things or just wanting to do something isnt enough. It is time to get your hands dirty.

Want to make a difference? Here is the A-Z of social causes (compiled by Karmayog). Choose a cause close to your heart and give it your very best!!

A to Z of social causes

Adoption is critical to ensure that every child has the love and support of family life.

Indian Association for Promotion of Adoption and Child Welfare undertakes programmes in adoption, foster family care,family support programme and educational assistance for underprivileged children and a child guidance centre.

www.iapacw.org

Blood Donation is important as this simple act can prevent people from dying needlessly.

Think Foundation helps organise voluntary blood donation drives and create awareness about thalassaemia and platelet donation.

vinay@thinkfoundation.org

Corruption has to be eliminated for India to develop as a First World nation, and this can be done easily through computerising procedures and decision making.

Transparency International, India, promotes transparent and ethical practices in government by raising awareness among people, planning policies for better delivery of public services, and partnering with civil society groups.

www.transparencyindia.org

Disaster Management through community preparedness and involvement is necessary for us to cope with the effects of natural and manmade disasters.

Saritsa Foundation makes people,especially disabled school children, aware of the risks and how to respond when caught in disasters such as fire,floods, earthquakes.

www.saritsafoundation.in

Environment protection is the most serious concern facing the world today, as the effects of global warming and climate change are both being felt and understood.

Centre for Environmental Research and Education educates students,teachers and corporates about global warming and shows them through books and practical workshops, how to bring about easy changes so as to reduce environmental damage.

www.cereindia.org

Fair Trade is essential to reduce inequity in the world.

International Resources for Fairer Trade is engaged actively in supporting producers, raising awareness and in campaigning for changes in the rules and practice of trade, through programmes like community business, ethical business, sustainable agriculture, socially responsible business, and domestic fair trade promotion

www.irft.org

Gandhian Values are extremely relevant in today’s time of violence and communal strife.

Bombay Sarvodaya Mandal is a Gandhian Trust having noted Gandhians amongst its midst and it undertakes various constructive programmes, seminars, workshops, meetings, youth camps, etc.

www.mkgandhi.org

Hearing-Challenged is a disability for which there are various solutions in daily and professional living that enable the hearing-challenged to share the same quality of life that we do.

Astitva School educates, trains and rehabilitates hearing-impaired and mentally-challenged children through modern methods, using its 25,000 sq ft space equipped with necessary amenities. These students have regularly won awardsin the annual Special Olympics and in state level sports.

www.astitvaschool.com

Innovation changes the course of history and improves the lives of millions of people.

Ashoka – Innovators for the Public, financially supports social entrepreneurs so that they can and act more effectively as changemakers.

www.ashoka.org

Justice delivered fairly and quickly can transform lives.

Janhit Manch, through its Forum For Fast Justice, is working on a campaign to reduce the 3.5 crore pending cases in Indian courts.

www.janhitmanch.org

Knowledge and its application determines social progress.

Tata Insititute for Social Sciences ,since 1936, offers degree and diploma courses in social sciences, and undertakes social research and dissemination of knowledge, training and field action projects.

www.tiss.edu

Legal Rights need to be ensured to all citizens to deliver the principles guaranteed in our Constitution.

Lawyers Collective, established in 1981, helps citizens in human rights advocacy, legal aid and litigation.

www.lawyerscollective.org

Mental Trauma not only makes one’s life miserable, but can also drive one to suicide.

Aasra is a crisis intervention centre for the lonely, distressed and suicidal since 1960.

www.aasra.info

Noise is amongst the most pervasive pollutants today.

Awaaz Foundation guides citizens on how to complain against and control dangerous levels of noise in their area.

www.awaaz.org

Orphanages provide the care, education and nourishment that children need till they are adopted.

Our Children is an NGO that has worked for 38 years with Children’s Homes and Orphanages to improve the lives of the children there.

www.ourchildrenindia.org

Poverty is almost impossible to overcome on one’s own.

Apnalaya, founded in 1972, helps children and adults living in slums towards a better life, through programmes such as balwadis, crèches, study classes, sponsorship, health camps, computer education, etc.

www.apnalaya.org

Quotas and reservation policies end up punishing the meritorious.

Youth for Equality works for equal rights for all, and special privileges for none, and works towards ensuring education for all with a special emphasis on women and children.

www.youthforequality.com

Right to Information is the only tool that brings democracy directly into the hands of every citizen.

Bombay Chartered Accountants Society runs very effective RTI guidance clinics every Saturday, besides publishing newsletters on various aspects of RTI.

www.bcasonline.org

Street Children are an unfortunate reality because of poverty, broken families and cruelty.

Saathi is a 10-year-old NGO that works youth living on the streets, runaways or abandoned adolescent girls.

www.saathi.org

Trees provide shade, counter pollution and bring nature into our everyday lives.

Hariyali organises tree plantation drives throughout the year and has planted and tended to thousands of trees.

www.hariyalithane.com

Urban development has so many interconnected issues that solutions are not easy for government, and hence all stakeholders need to get involved.

Yuvak Pratishthan organises camps of all types in many slums in Mumbai including for health, sanitation, environment, sports and cultural activities. It also runs certificate courses in Slum Studies.

www.ypmumbai.com

Voting is essential to strengthen and improve democracy so as to preserve our individual freedoms.

Association for Democratic Reforms, founded by professors from IIM-A and NID, works with government and citizens towards electoral reforms and political process reforms.

www.adrindia.org

Women are the cornerstone of the family and for the development of children, and thus of society.

Seva Sadan Society , a 100-year-old NGO, provides shelter, education, vocational training, and employment opportunities to make girls and women self-sufficient.

www.sevasadan.org

EX-Servicemen and their families need our support and respect as they ensure us our freedoms.

Navy Wives Welfare Association works for the rehabilitation of widows and families of deceased naval personnel.

www.nwwa-west.org

Youth are the only agents of societal change that we can pin our hopes on.

Youth for Unity and Voluntary Action works with street children, women, youth, pavement and slum dwellers on issues of livelihood, housing, food, security, education, health, women’s issues, civic amenities, human rights, environment and governance.

www.yuvaindia.org

Zoos educate and sensitise us to the wonders and value of nature.

Plants and Animals Welfare Society is a volunteer run body that works tirelessly to help animals and keeps tabs on the state of the animals in the Byculla Zoo.

www.pawsasia.org